Researchers Shocked to Finally Find Virus That Outlook Doesn’t Like
Huddersfield, WY. — Researchers at the Advanced Recursive Simplification Exchange for Disease Control and Unified Transformation Expert Repository (ARSEDCUTER) today confirmed that the foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Outlook. This is believed to be the first time the Outlook has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
“Frankly, we’ve never heard of a virus that couldn’t spread through Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,” said Eilse Tanner, director of the ARSEDCUTER infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by Billy Wigglesworth, inventor of the pedal powered winnet remover and informal slaughter man, who said it will save a few rounds. “Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by the Outlook address book,” said Sir Nigel Nigel from Westmoreland, Britain’s Agriculture Expert. “By eliminating it, we can reengage with POP3 and revitalise the numberplate usability continuous improvement group NUCIG.”
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as “I Love You,” “Bubbleboy,” “Anna Kournikova,” and “Naked Wife,” to name but a few.
Said Minnie Caldwell, from Weatherfield and director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Saltaire Technical College: “It’s not that we don’t trust the research, it’s just that as scientists, we are trained to be sceptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one sticks in the throat like a pair of ripe underpants.”
Executives at the interoperable inverted iterative design (I4D) and experimental human to business unit testing facility (EH2BUTF), meanwhile, were equally sceptical, insisting that the patented Flexible Adaptable Recursive Taxonomy Instances of Neural Groping Protocol (FARTINGP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free FARTINGP patch (FARTINGPP) if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing, but Skiffle virologist Professor Frank Tank from the Skiffle University (SU) insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than he is. “Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Outlook, and I told him, ‘Doesn’t everything?'” he recalled. “Who would’ve thought?”